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Feelings follow behavior. Or is it the other way around – behavior follows feelings? This is one of the most important parenting questions to get right. Do we believe children must possess certain feelings before they can act in the way we deem appropriate? Or do we believe children will experience positive feelings after they start behaving in certain ways?

Much modern parenting advice is based on the belief that we must help children feel good about themselves. This is the legacy of the self-esteem movement that has been dominant in parenting circles for decades. The hope is that good behaviors will then spring from good feelings.

And it is certainly important to be attentive to children and their feelings. It is good to help them develop positive emotions about themselves, and children need a foundation that is reinforced by unconditional love. It is also sensible to believe children will be more receptive to positive behavior if they feel good about themselves.

But adults know we must often act despite negative feelings. We also know that feelings, good and bad, come and go. How do we help children understand and eventually internalize all of this?

I am definitely in the feelings follow behavior camp. When children are given opportunities to demonstrate their competence, independence, and agency, they will most likely feel good about themselves. As children age, they have more capacity to connect good feelings with good actions, which develops a virtuous loop and promises lifelong benefits.

If we teach children that their feelings need to be in a certain space before they act, we will likely be waiting a very long time. But if we support children to engage in positive action, they will most likely feel genuinely good. And this is a lesson worth learning at an early age.